Earlier last week, Jane actually tried to nurse, twice. It was the sweetest moment I've had with her in over a year! I'm blogging it so I'll remember. She weaned from the breast somewhere in her 8th month, I think. It's all really a blur. Once she weaned, I honestly don't remember much about her. I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth. I know she was there because I was always in a panic about having enough breastmilk for her (borrowed from other loving mothers). But, truthfully, I don't remember much about her.
The other night, she was sitting with me on the couch and just started pulling at my shirt and kind of reaching inside. I thought I'd offer her and see what happened. She actually wanted to put her mouth on the nipple! Then I put her into more of a nursing position and offered again. Several times in a row she put her mouth on my nipple, sucked a little, then moved the nipple to her teeth. But she tried!!!!!!!!! My baby girl nursed again!! It was so precious to me. It was like I had my baby back, even if it was only for that moment. I didn't care.
Sure, it hurts, it's like a bittersweet kind of thing. I wish she was still nursing. I wish she didn't wean, but I don't wish that George wasn't here. I can't bemoan what I could have done to prolong the nursing relationship. We lasted as long as we could. But for her to actually try to suck milk was so amazing for me. I feel bonded back to her. A bond that I felt was lost for nearly a year is back.
The amazing thing is that she tried again the following morning! She came into our room and I offered again. She put her mouth on and tried a little, less than the previous night, then wanted to play with it. She knows how to squeeze milk out! She knows that's where I get milk. She's seen me pump milk for her almost every day since George was born. But I don't know if she associates the milk more with the pump and the bottle or with my breast. So I don't care if she plays with it and sees milk come out (sometimes squirting her in the face). I wanted her to taste it to get that association.
There had been a couple times, months ago, when she had put her teeth to my nipple in the tub. But this time, last week, was the first she really put her whole mouth on and sucked. My baby girl, I love her so much. It's so difficult to go from breastfeeding to not when you desperately want to continue. She hasn't done it again since those two occasions last week. But, to have her come back to me was a grace filled moment. I could look down into her eyes again and I saw my baby. MY baby. Not the little girl that's been running around my house for the past year. I saw MY baby girl. She's MINE again. For those brief moments she was MY baby, nursing.