My alternate post title was going to be "see how well my drugs are working!?!?!?". With all kinds of positive excitement.
If you didn't know, I've been suffering pretty bad post partum anxiety and depression for quite a while. Probably since George's birth. It started as anxiety but just progressed and got worse as time went on. I was getting some treatment from progesterone therapy. It worked for a time but would wear off. I would think, "maybe I'll be better this time." Then wait longer before the next treatment, so subsequent doses weren't ever as effective as the first.
Finally, I made an appointment for myself at George's 6 month check up with our family dr. I was thinking maybe there's some sort of anti anxiety drug that could just keep me feeling even instead of all the ups and downs that were happening with the progesterone. The dr gave me a prescription for an anti depressant saying how it should also help the anxiety. He said that some people feel a difference after a few days but usually it takes 2-3 weeks to build up in your system to where you really feel good. So I walked out (crying) thinking it would still be weeks before I'd be better. Wrong. A few days was a big change!
We've recently tweaked the dose on the advice of my new psychologist (definite benefit seeing him while adjusting to the meds and to talk over all that has happened). The dr's goal is for me to "feel disgustingly normal." Awesome, I can't wait!!
Today has been proof of meds working superbly. We went to the park in the morning and met a friend. Jane ended up in a little waterway (ditch) trying to retrieve some water bottles from the water and climb up a muddy bank. She was in the water to the waist. My friend was a great help since I had George in the wrap on me at the time. Before meds, even a park visit would have been nerve wracking. A visit with lost child under the bridge would have been the end of the day. (the park has many bridges all around the playground, don't get any images of a roadside ditch or anything). I was so proud of myself by the time we were leaving. I was carrying a diapered but otherwise naked Jane while pushing the stroller as Michael basically hanged over the side of the stroller. Essentially carrying or pushing everyone. And I didn't feel like falling apart!!!!
Home. Food. Backyard play. Off to bedrooms for new diapers and rest time. This proved more difficult than usual. There were multiple rounds of poop from Michael and Jane. Michael climbing into the crib. More poop. I thought they were done so I finally left and shut the door. Between feedings of George and changing diapers I realized my hopes of an actual nap were dwindling. So, instead, I settled for listening to a relaxation app on the iPad (daddy didn't take it to work, today).
During the app I'm getting relaxed but I can hear Jane squealing. I keep thinking "just relax, she's not going to die, she'll be ok." But eventually, I get up to go check on them.
I open the door to see a naked Jane in the crib. All the blankets were on the ground outside her crib (she had done this earlier). Then I see smudges and clumps of something on her mattress. Poop. I see the diaper flopped out on her blankets. "great," I think, "poop diaper." But it's my actions of which I am most proud, at this point. I didn't fall apart. I didn't loose it with any of the kids. I didn't start crying. This big ball of anxiety and tension didn't explode in my chest. I just picked up the diaper and put it on the changing table discovering just how much poop there was. A lot. Then I put Jane on the changing table thinking I could just wipe her down. Oh no, poop all over her legs. So I take care of the diaper then take jane to the tub for a bath.
Out of the tub, new clothes on, then I put all he blankets back in the crib and pull the sheet up so it's one big ball of peed on poopy stuff. I carry it to the washer and then George wakes up shrieking probably because Michael poked him. I did fuss at Michael because I'm pretty certain he poked the baby but otherwise I was ok.
I sat down with the baby and was so amazed with myself. I just handled a situation that two weeks ago would have caused me to be a messy puddle of a mom. I called Tony and my parents to laugh about the situation.
Then, we came outside for pool time!!! With less than 1 hour to go before leaving to get Tony from work, I let them get in the pool! Just the thought of changing diapers before leaving would have prevented me from doing that a few weeks ago!
If you know a mom or you are a mom who is struggling, please ask a dr for help!!! There are drugs that are safe when breastfeeding. I think not knowing that was my major hesitation from asking for it 5 months ago. Life can be normal. It is possible. This isn't your lot in life to suffer and feel like you can't cope with normal day to day activities. I'm still a work in progress but I'm so glad I am getting help.